Oct 2011
The Penetration Imperative
Filed in: The Penetration Imperative
By Stella Resnick, Ph.D.
WhyAreWeWhispering.com
Most of the time when we make love, it’s not to bring a new life into the world but to bring new life into ourselves. We’re not looking to make babies but to enjoy the physical replenishment and emotional connectedness that good lovemaking nurtures. But the way we typically make love more closely supports the objectives of a procreative rather than a re-creative sexuality.
When a couple starts to play sexually, there’s a consistently held belief that the activity should proceed toward penetration. Yet, nothing interferes more with enjoying the emotional and physical pleasures of re-creative sex than compulsive intercourse, what I think of as the “penetration imperative.”
For couples, the sex-equals-intercourse equation means that unless they’re willing to go the whole nine yards they won’t go an inch. They won’t be sexually playful unless they’re available for intercourse because they don’t want to lead their partner on. But then, this attitude places a greater burden on them when they are available. At that point, they have to build up their arousal from zero to whatever heights they can reach in an encounter that may last, from initial kiss to afterglow, all of ten to twenty minutes long.
All-or-none sex can’t help but lead to sexual stagnation because doing the same old routine can be as exciting as watching grass grow. It reminds me of a story a young comedian told. He asked his father if he had been following the recent news on same-sex marriages. His father grimly responded, “I know all about it. Your mother and I have been having the same sex for years.”
Many sexually vital singles also inhibit their sexual pleasure with all-or-nothing thinking. If they’re not willing to go all the way, they may deny themselves the thrill of the turn-on, of kissing and holding someone they like but may not love. Or just the opposite, they may end up in premature intercourse when what they really wanted was affectionate human connection.
How much more spontaneous it can be when a couple is playful in sexually arousing ways without immediately moving into intercourse and orgasm. When energy is allowed to build over several days or even longer, they can reach a level of genuine intensity that makes intercourse infinitely more exciting. However, this does mean that they need to be willing to end a sexual encounter while still turned on, and for a lot of people, this won’t be easy.
Why are we so afraid to stay turned on? Is it the Victorian in us that demands we get rid of the excitement once it’s there? Or else what? … that we won’t be able to think or work? … that we’ll turn into a sex fiend? … that we’ll grab a stranger off the street to have sex with?
On the contrary, sexual energy is the life force made manifest. It is the ultimate creative drive that inspires and animates us. Arousal is not something we have to shake. What we have to shake is old-concept sex.
Excerpted from her must read book The Pleasure Zone: Why we resist good feelings & how to let go and be happy . Stella Resnick, Ph.D. is a psychologist and psychotherapist who specializes in relationship and sexual enrichment. Chapter 11 – Sexual Pleasures: Complete Fulfillment - Turning up the heat. Pp. 232, 233. Copyright 1997 by Stella Resnick / Published by MJF Books Fine Communications 322 Eighth Avenue New York, NY 10001
WhyAreWeWhispering.com
When a couple starts to play sexually, there’s a consistently held belief that the activity should proceed toward penetration. Yet, nothing interferes more with enjoying the emotional and physical pleasures of re-creative sex than compulsive intercourse, what I think of as the “penetration imperative.”
For couples, the sex-equals-intercourse equation means that unless they’re willing to go the whole nine yards they won’t go an inch. They won’t be sexually playful unless they’re available for intercourse because they don’t want to lead their partner on. But then, this attitude places a greater burden on them when they are available. At that point, they have to build up their arousal from zero to whatever heights they can reach in an encounter that may last, from initial kiss to afterglow, all of ten to twenty minutes long.
All-or-none sex can’t help but lead to sexual stagnation because doing the same old routine can be as exciting as watching grass grow. It reminds me of a story a young comedian told. He asked his father if he had been following the recent news on same-sex marriages. His father grimly responded, “I know all about it. Your mother and I have been having the same sex for years.”
Many sexually vital singles also inhibit their sexual pleasure with all-or-nothing thinking. If they’re not willing to go all the way, they may deny themselves the thrill of the turn-on, of kissing and holding someone they like but may not love. Or just the opposite, they may end up in premature intercourse when what they really wanted was affectionate human connection.
How much more spontaneous it can be when a couple is playful in sexually arousing ways without immediately moving into intercourse and orgasm. When energy is allowed to build over several days or even longer, they can reach a level of genuine intensity that makes intercourse infinitely more exciting. However, this does mean that they need to be willing to end a sexual encounter while still turned on, and for a lot of people, this won’t be easy.
Why are we so afraid to stay turned on? Is it the Victorian in us that demands we get rid of the excitement once it’s there? Or else what? … that we won’t be able to think or work? … that we’ll turn into a sex fiend? … that we’ll grab a stranger off the street to have sex with?
On the contrary, sexual energy is the life force made manifest. It is the ultimate creative drive that inspires and animates us. Arousal is not something we have to shake. What we have to shake is old-concept sex.
Excerpted from her must read book The Pleasure Zone: Why we resist good feelings & how to let go and be happy . Stella Resnick, Ph.D. is a psychologist and psychotherapist who specializes in relationship and sexual enrichment. Chapter 11 – Sexual Pleasures: Complete Fulfillment - Turning up the heat. Pp. 232, 233. Copyright 1997 by Stella Resnick / Published by MJF Books Fine Communications 322 Eighth Avenue New York, NY 10001
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