Heart of the Matter
Filed in: Heart of the Matter
By Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.
WhyAreWeWhispering.com
It is to create healing in your life and return you to a state in which you can live and be capable again of love and trust.
Forgiveness does not have to lead to reconciliation. For example, many people forgive and abusive parent but sever contact with that parent. In contrast, many married couples reconcile after an affair but do not forgive. It can also be helpful to remember we can change our minds and a decision to sever contact in the present is often revisited in the future.
Forgiveness is the experience of finding peace inside and can neither be compelled
or stopped by another.
The religious traditions usually tell us to forgive but do not offer the practical steps as to how. We live in a culture that prized the expression of anger and resentment more than the peace of forgiveness. Because of this, too many do not take the opportunity to heal themselves, sometimes from great emotional pain and the physical consequences that result. What follows are my 9 steps for training in forgiveness.
ONE: Know exactly how you feel about what happened, and be able to articulate what things about the situation are not okay. Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.
TWO: Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else. No one else even has to know about your decision.
THREE: Understand your goal. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who upset you or condoning his or her actions. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally and changing your grievance story.
FOUR: Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you 2 minutes – or 10 years – ago.
FIVE: At the moment you feel upset, practice stress management techniques to soothe your body’s fight or flight response.
SIX: Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship, and prosperity and work hard to get them. However, you will suffer when you demand that these things occur when you do not have the power to make them happen.
SEVEN: Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek out new ways to get what you want.
EIGHT: Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.
NINE: Amend your grievance story to remind yourself of the heroic choice to forgive, and focus your conversation on what you’ve learned about yourself and life.
"I work as a clinical science research associate at the Stanford University School of Medicine, where I teach people ways to manage their stress and reduce their risk of heart disease … I developed a process of teaching people to let go of the grudges and grievances they carried around. As I started to teach forgiveness, I discovered that an unexpectedly large number of people responded to this with fascination, confusion, enthusiasm and mistrust, and almost no one knew for certain exactly what forgiveness was and why it might be useful to study." Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., Senior Fellow, Stanford University, Center on Conflict and Negotiation and Associate Professor, Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, Palo Alto, CA.
Excerpted from the illuminating book, Consciousness & Healing: Integral Approaches to Mind-Body Medicine by Marilyn Schlitz and Tina Amorok with Marc. S. Micozzi, Elsevier Churchill Livingstone Copyright 2005; The Art and Science of Forgiveness, pp. 335-340.
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WhyAreWeWhispering.com
Forgiveness is primarily for creating your peace of mind.
It is to create healing in your life and return you to a state in which you can live and be capable again of love and trust.
Forgiveness is the experience of finding peace inside and can neither be compelled
or stopped by another.
The religious traditions usually tell us to forgive but do not offer the practical steps as to how. We live in a culture that prized the expression of anger and resentment more than the peace of forgiveness. Because of this, too many do not take the opportunity to heal themselves, sometimes from great emotional pain and the physical consequences that result. What follows are my 9 steps for training in forgiveness.
TWO: Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else. No one else even has to know about your decision.
THREE: Understand your goal. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who upset you or condoning his or her actions. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally and changing your grievance story.
FOUR: Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you 2 minutes – or 10 years – ago.
FIVE: At the moment you feel upset, practice stress management techniques to soothe your body’s fight or flight response.
SIX: Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship, and prosperity and work hard to get them. However, you will suffer when you demand that these things occur when you do not have the power to make them happen.
SEVEN: Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek out new ways to get what you want.
NINE: Amend your grievance story to remind yourself of the heroic choice to forgive, and focus your conversation on what you’ve learned about yourself and life.
"I work as a clinical science research associate at the Stanford University School of Medicine, where I teach people ways to manage their stress and reduce their risk of heart disease … I developed a process of teaching people to let go of the grudges and grievances they carried around. As I started to teach forgiveness, I discovered that an unexpectedly large number of people responded to this with fascination, confusion, enthusiasm and mistrust, and almost no one knew for certain exactly what forgiveness was and why it might be useful to study." Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., Senior Fellow, Stanford University, Center on Conflict and Negotiation and Associate Professor, Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, Palo Alto, CA.
Excerpted from the illuminating book, Consciousness & Healing: Integral Approaches to Mind-Body Medicine by Marilyn Schlitz and Tina Amorok with Marc. S. Micozzi, Elsevier Churchill Livingstone Copyright 2005; The Art and Science of Forgiveness, pp. 335-340.
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