It wasn't until I found this website that I really began to wonder why I resisted my sexuality for so long, when it was always there waiting for a chance to be known.

I am fairly 'new' to my sexuality, and discovering myself for the first time. I am not sure where this will go or who it might 'speak to' ...but I will tap out where I am, because I am 'no longer whispering'.

Coming from a very religious family, where sex was used for having babies, and NEVER talked about, I grew up with prudish morals ('til the age of 12 I thought you could get pregnant from kissing...that gives you some perspective). I was even a virgin on my wedding day. What a rude awakening I got when I realized that I loved and had married a man I did not have sexual chemistry with. In fact, I really didn't like sex, and just did my 'obligatory' marriage duties when he beckoned.

Oh we talked about it. But I didn’t value my needs and desires enough to really know, or learn how to be heard. I didn’t even know it mattered. I gave up and made the best of our life together.

I knew how to satisfy myself, so this is what I did for nearly 24 years. My husband was not into pleasing me in this department, nor could he hold back to give more time to satisfy me, so the average 'obligation' took less than a minute. Since I did not enjoy having sex with my husband, this became a very nice routine because in less than 5 minutes tops, he was happy, and in a way, so was I because I couldn't wait for it to be over.

All the years I was with my husband, I never once had an orgasm with him (I had plenty on my own mind you, so I wasn't completely dissatisfied). Now, you're probably saying (especially if you've been in tune with your own sexuality far longer than I) "she's crazy to have stayed with him that long." Yet outside of this one thing we just didn't have success with, we had everything else in common. Outside of the bedroom, he treated me like a queen, and was the best companion and friend. We had all of the same interests.

We wanted babies too. We thought that maybe this was the missing piece in our relationship, creating a family together, and that we needed to focus on and love something and someone more than ourselves. A mighty distraction! I am an expert at this, and used to give myself credit for finding distractions – a seemingly great coping mechanism - to get me through the difficulty of disowning my buried sexual diva.

One of my favorite forms of distraction was staying in college forever, even getting my doctorate. During the Ph.D. process, I had ZERO time to check in with myself. My stress levels were higher than I had ever felt, and I aged 10 years in 2. All the years we tried and tried to get me pregnant, fertility testing – the works - I found myself getting depressed for no good reason and developed many health problems in the process, chronic back pain, mono, double lung pneumonia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and generally felt lousy. I kept on working though, afraid to stand still and listen.

Trying to make babies could be fun, my husband loved it...he got sex whenever he wanted. While it was disappointing as usual, this actually gave me some hope and a goal to focus on, so I tried to enjoy it more. I suppose the thought of creating a life inside of me helped me emotionally want to have sex. Alas to no avail though, we weren’t blessed with a child.

When I first began to realize how important my sexuality was, and that cutting off that part of me was killing me, I could no longer do 'my wifely duties' with this very good man I loved more like a friend than my mate. In the final years of our marriage, we had sex about once every 3 months. It was getting to the point where giving this part of me away, and he taking from me even though he was aware of how much I loathed it, was robbing my soul. I was not being true to myself, exploiting my heart and soul out of devotion to my marriage vows.

I realized that my husband and I were never meant to be more than friends. You would have thought I could’ve recognized that after the first years of our relationship as our physical chemistry was null and void, but with those darned religious morals I was raised with, I didn't believe in divorce. I believed in 'for better or for worse' and I had found ways of accepting what had become for me 'the worst'. Looking back now, my inner diva, locked up inside waiting to get out, is what eventually prevailed and our marriage ended. Amicably, we’ve remained friends, but over just the same.

As the world turns, so has mine. I met someone very special. Someone who I had instant sexual chemistry with, and the pheromones began to fly. We nearly fell in love at first sight! We connect naturally on so many levels, and orgasms were instant...without trying!
Simultaneous, erogenous, emotionally communicative, loving, and wildly passionate orgasms unlike any I had ever experienced on my own. A transcendent, out of body experience, pure ecstasy, as if this diva was locked up for so long when she was finally released from the prison I kept her in, she connected my body, mind, and soul. Seeming as if she’d heard my cry in the dark, and rose up like a phoenix to take care of me.

I feel things happen for a reason. While some folks (including my own family) may think I have completely screwed up my life by giving up a good man, I, for once in my life, feel truly at peace. All the parts of me have unified. For too long these parts were battling each other inside, constantly fighting over 'who I should be' for others and I wasn’t even aware of the consequences.

Understanding that all of my needs are important and allowing ALL of who I am to express itself fully, even if I don’t conform to the religious values and beliefs I was taught, makes such a difference. I’m in love. Mind you, I still get scared, but when I find courage to express myself I experience the kind of intimacy I had longed for all of my life.

I’m 46 now, and grateful to know the truth, I feel connected in beautiful ways that I continue to discover every day. Outing my inner diva, valuing my voice, expressing myself vividly makes me happy. So much Joy! I love right now and I have such a bright future to look forward to.