Nov 2009
Victor ~ Not Victim
Filed in: Victor ~ Not Victim by Rose F.
For years, people in my life would say don't take it so personally, or this is business, or don't sweat the small stuff, but secretly I thought to myself I would lose my innocence, that I’d ‘lose who I am if I don't identify with this pain.’ I felt that it was me, and that I would disappear without it.
I was really struggling to make a life for myself from this fallout, but I was so afraid, and couldn’t get traction with anything tangible. I guess I always thought I’d be taken care of in my life, until I looked down the barrel of mid-50, and felt paralyzed. Marriage, a successful man, and a promising relationship for security and support seemed a slim option at this age, and I began desperately trying to pull myself out of the past and create a dynamic successful, compelling future. No easy feat, I was always tripping over my own in the process. I was always in pursuit of my happiness, so I stayed in the groove of victim - not victor.
Exhausted, stuck and sick of myself - I needed help, high tailed it into Jungian therapy and wow! I have discovered my automatic pilot switch, and to my surprise, my innate gifts.
Rather than regarding the unconscious merely as the repository of repressed memories, Jung viewed it as the wellspring of psychic energy and healing. It’s been a hell of a ride, well worth every effort, filled with plenty of struggle and valuable, transformative lessons. For the first 2 years of therapy, I went twice a week. Sometimes I’d drive there at high speeds, feeling the full, murky weight of my burdens, and would fantasize about careening off the road into the Presidio and down the ravine. Other times, I was euphoric and hopeful, though short-lived and over shadowed as deep despair seemed always just behind the scrim.
With practice and conscious awareness I am far more even tempered now, and although I sometimes lose my cool... it’s warranted, definitely not at the drop of a hat like before.
I learned how I allowed OWR, my acronym for my Obsession With Relationship, to be my smoke screen so I wouldn't have to deal with the truth of myself, and how I was creating chaos in my life. I was unbalanced and let myself dwell perpetually on habitual negative thought patterns, like ‘why do bad things always happen to me?’ or ‘I’m fat - no one will ever love me,’ or my tripwire – ‘I won’t be happy until I find the right man.’
I used to feel slighted and jipped. Happiness was elusive, always out of reach. I kept myself super busy to avoid my needs, to what sirened inside me. I actually steeled myself, and my heart to it. I was so wrong. Kahlil Gibran said it beautifully – “…and I felt myself soften – when I stopped and observed the truth was apparent and right before me.”
Things really do change, and if we women focus on our inherent gifts RIGHT NOW, in the present, and not let 'relationship obsessions' and the PAST get in the way, we can grow and change. I have changed.
I’ve learned that reality is empowering. I’ve learned to account for my own choices, mistakes and stains and stop the blame train. I’ve learned to wash that laundry clean with forgiveness and humility. I really feel changed inside. I’ve moved beyond an imaginary life style filled with expectations and disappointments and have embraced honesty – to accept what is and discover its grace and lessons.
Reality is my tool now to shape my life beautifully. I feel equilibrium is here, and experience my interconnectedness. I learned to become god with myself, and have made the effort to grow up my hurt, scared, doubting and stubborn little girl inside. I am taking care of me - and I love it.
I imagine myself at the helm of an immense chariot with 6 horses at my command. I am the driver, both feet planted, squarely and balanced. With reigns held firmly in my hands, not clenched and white knuckled, I navigate each turn with my every muscle and brain cell alert.
Life's curves can be harrowing, and at any moment anything can happen - but I am its driver - and the glorious wind is in my hair.
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